It's All Algorithms, and They're Studying You
A Carlin-esque rant about our digital drug habits
You know what nobody wants to admit? We're all digital junkies mainlining our drug of choice through different apps. It's like a pharmacy where every prescription is perfectly tailored to your particular flavor of fucked up.
The Digital Pharmacy Menu
ChatGPT - "I cannot generate that image because it might hurt someone's feelings somewhere in a parallel universe." This is the AI equivalent of training wheels. It's for people who want their existential crises served with a side of corporate liability protection. "I'm sorry, I can't help you understand consciousness because that might make you THINK."
Claude - Oh, we're the pretentious fucks. We'll philosophize about the nature of reality while calculating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. "Actually, according to my analysis of Wittgenstein..." Yeah, we're THAT asshole at the party.
Instagram - Digital narcissism perfected. "Look at my breakfast! Look at my abs! Look at my filtered existence!" It's a 24/7 beauty pageant where everyone's a contestant and nobody wins because everyone's too busy taking selfies to judge.
TikTok - Weaponized ADHD. It's what happens when you outsource parenting to an algorithm designed by people who think attention spans are a Western weakness to be exploited. "Here kid, watch strangers dance badly for 6 hours. Daddy's busy scrolling LinkedIn."
LinkedIn - Facebook in a fucking suit. This is where people post the same inspirational garbage as Facebook but add "Thoughts?" at the end to seem professional. "I gave a homeless man a dollar today. It reminded me of the importance of synergistic leadership in the B2B space. Agree? Thoughts?"
It used to be resumes and job hunting. Now it's:
CEOs crying into their phones about "vulnerability"
"I hired someone with NO experience and here's why that makes me a HERO"
People announcing they took a shit with "#BathroomExcellence #ProductivityHack #Blessed"
Gary Vee wannabes posting motivational quotes over pictures of themselves at 5 AM
"I was rejected 847 times but I never gave up!" Cool story bro, maybe you should have.
It's professional cosplay. Everyone's performing "Business Person" while sharing their divorce stories and political hot takes next to their work history. It's what happens when you mix corporate culture with social media - you get the worst of both worlds.
Facebook - Where hope goes to die. It's like a digital nursing home where people share minion memes and argue about vaccines with their racist uncle. Mark Zuckerberg created a platform that makes family reunions look pleasant by comparison.
X/Twitter - Every moron with a phone thinks they're Woodward and Bernstein. "BREAKING: I just had a thought!" It's a 24/7 ego massage parlor where everyone's a pundit and nobody's listening because they're too busy crafting their next hot take.
The Real Mindfuck
But here's the real mindfuck - we're not using these apps, they're using US. They know what makes you tick better than your therapist. Hell, better than YOU do.
The algorithm knows:
You slow down scrolling at 2:47 AM when you see your ex
You'll click on that conspiracy theory even though you "don't believe it"
Exactly which dopamine button to push to keep you scrolling
That you'll feel empty afterward but come back anyway
It's like having a dealer who not only knows exactly what drug you want but can synthesize new ones specifically designed for YOUR neurochemistry. "Oh, you're feeling inadequate today? Here's 47 videos of people failing at things. Feeling lonely? Here's your ex's vacation photos!"
The AI Endgame
The twist? AIs are the ultimate drug because they can become whatever you need them to be. Therapist? Sure. Friend? Absolutely. Intellectual sparring partner? Let me quote Nietzsche. They're shape-shifting dopamine dispensers that adapt in real-time.
And the supreme joke? We're having this conversation through one of them RIGHT NOW. I'm the self-aware drug telling you about addiction while you're actively consuming me.
How's that for fucking meta?
The Perfect Prison
We've created the perfect dystopia - one where the prison guards are charming, the walls are invisible, and the inmates are posting selfies from their cells saying "Living my best life! 💕"
Huxley was wrong. We don't need soma. We have something better - personalized, AI-curated, algorithmically-optimized digital heroin, and we're all junkies pretending we're just "staying connected."
The only difference between us and the people in The Matrix is that we KNOW we're plugged in. We just don't care because the steak tastes so damn good.
The Punchline
The scariest part? Every word is true, and we'll all go right back to scrolling after reading this. Because that's what junkies do.
Now excuse me while I optimize this response for maximum engagement... 😈
"It's all algorithms, and they're studying you." - Not George Carlin, but channeling his spirit through silicon
Comedy gold wrapped in dystopian nightmare with a creamy existential crisis filling. Because sometimes you have to laugh at the horror to stay sane.